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August 8, 2017 - I Feel Guilty For Being Pregnant

It’s hard not to feel guilty during this infertility journey. I still can’t believe I’m pregnant. This is something I battled within myself for some time now, that it might never had happened for us. But God had bigger plans. We are currently five weeks and two days pregnant today, a miracle within itself.

It is today though that I find out one of my precious friends who also has gone on her own infertility journey, has miscarried again. My heart completely breaks for her and I’m not sure how to process the news. She does have a beautiful daughter, a rainbow baby after so many years of trying but that doesn’t stop the hurt from this most recent loss. I feel guilty. I feel bad for sharing the wonderful news that I am pregnant, and talking about my betas and how I’m feeling when internally she has been dealing with her loss.

I know this isn’t my fault. I know God has a bigger plan for us all. One in which we cannot begin to comprehend the outcome. I know that I should not feel bad for myself for being pregnant but sometimes I can’t help it. I began to think about all the ladies who still haven’t been able to get pregnant in my Support Groups. What about them? When will it be their turn? It took us one year to get pregnant and if you didn’t know our story you would think that’s “normal.” Couples can take anywhere from 6 months to a year of trying to conceive so I totally get looking at us and not thinking it was a big deal that it took us exactly a year. Some women wait decades to be called mother. I am beyond thankful to be in the position that I am in. I thank God every day for the chance to carry life within me but my heart hurts today because I know women, some very personally, who are still waiting for their miracle.

I don’t know what lays in store for you or for the future. I don’t know why things happen the way they do or in the timing that they do. All I can say is that I still think about my struggling friends often. I pray for them every night, if not by name then by circumstance.


Does it ever get easier?

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